I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Help. Why am I so naked?
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