It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
