I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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