I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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