and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
