When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
