Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Where is the hickey?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
