I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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