I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
