you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.