went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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