After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.