even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me