they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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