This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
