Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
