I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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