I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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