I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
home. puking in laundry basket.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.