woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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