in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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