my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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