Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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