I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
