hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
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i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
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I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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