so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have fence marks all over my body
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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