Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
