moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
