My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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