I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
