Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
