Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
