You were right. It hurts to walk today.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
