I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize