Well douche your snatch and let's go!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
