Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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