that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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