Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
