I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT