Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
