I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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