I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
In other news, I just burned my penis
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
