best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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