If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
