a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
