I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
