at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
