Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
