I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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