3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Michael Bay diarrhea
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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