ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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