I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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