So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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