And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
