Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
