Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
