toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.