Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
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Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.