i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
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Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!