I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux