you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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