I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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