i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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