mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
