You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
