I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.