The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dating After Heartbreak
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.